TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Anyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to quit employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially Trump Tower Damascus referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from space, a feature getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge in which my PTSD can have convert-down company."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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